spirit is satisfied. Yesterday I made my first outdoor climbs on two different walls, 5 routes. I have always been scared of heights and so it doesnt make sense that I would skydive and climb rocks. However my goals in life are to fight my fears and win. When I started skydiving I fought fears but it did not help my fear of heights, if anything it made it harder to be off the ground unless I had a rig.
So I was introduced to some rock climbers and there my plan was hatched. I was to climb one day, stop being afraid and move on. Last thing I needed was another addicting sport in my life. That wasnt to be the case. As I sit here, typing with two fingers, letting the others rest due to them being swollen, bruised, and missing some layers of skin, I am finding that I NEED to go climb again and if I could go today I would.
My first route was a 5.6, which is very minor and probably considered an easy climb. At this point I had learned alot about how the gear works, and how the belayer and climber relate to each other. I was most fearful about putting my life in anothers hands. This is not something I have done ever. I do not need other people to protect me. However in rock climbing your life depends on the communication and skills of TWO people. In my life I have learned that its only me, I protect myself and not to rely on others. I was quite surprised that once I actually learned and saw how it works that my fear was unfounded. I trusted my belayer Tommy more then I can even describe. I think mostly due to the fact I had my first fall on my first climb about 10 feet off the ground. Actually I didnt fall at all, I just lost hold of the rock, my belayer had me. He saved me from broken bones. Right then and there I knew that this sport was for me, I knew that no matter what, I finally relied on someone else and he had me. It felt so great to know this, so many things healed in me in that very moment. I however was still freaked by how high I felt and that I literally fell within the first 5 mins of my first climb, but there was no way I was turning back. Tommy protected me from falling, now I must let him see his training at work, I will make it to the top and I will let him help me down. Back to the rock, I slowly made my way to the top. Although it was only a 5.6 it was MY 5.6. I didnt see the holds, I felt like I was flailing around clinging to the rock. Tears at different moments because every so often I had to stop and Tommy had me practice my way down and would have me look at the ground, and I did it. I hated it , hated every moment of it.... Until I reached the top, turned around, and saw Tommy grinning ear to ear. I DID IT. As I was walking down the wall being lowered by Tommy, I was looking at the rock, all of a suddan I start seeing all these holds, three finger grips, where my toes could have been etc etc.... I started seeing the rock and how it could be climbed. It was a rush, it hit me and it was the first thing after the high five I told him. I saw the rock.
The next route was a 5.8. However it looked MUCH taller then the 5.6 I was just on. I was okay though I knew I could do it, and I started climbing in my head before I even stepped on the rock. I saw where the right hand would go and my right foot, I knew when Id have to make a long reach. I was in the climb before I was in the climb. I get my shoes on, which by the way are way to tight and hurt until you get on the rock itself. The part that was hard and out of sight about halfway up was very intimidating to me, I had to trust my feel, and Tommys words from below. And I did just that. After a bit of crying and whispering I want down I made it. I whispered my grievences so Tommy didnt hear, I didnt want to actually come down. It was a battle between my mind and my body and my mind won. Looking down still was a battle, coming down was a bit scarey still. Another high five, some belaying (which I hear I did well at as well because although I had a back up they didnt need to take over) and a feeling of complete self.
Next route was my first 5.10. On the ground Tommy told me when I got to the spot that I already was freaking about, that if I listen to him I will make it past. To listen and put my feet and hands just how he said and I will do it. It was hard, it sucked, and I screamed a few times when I slipped. I had tears and I wanted to vomit and I hated this stupid rock. I look down and see Tommy closer, he came up on the first ledge to be closer to help talk me over. I did okay, and made it with alot of help from Tommy, but I made it also because of me. I listened to him, I trusted him, I knew I could beat the rock. I knew he was with me every step of the way. I knew I could do this. On the way down I started having alot of fun, coming down is a blast. Just sitting in the air, with your feet on the wall. I noticed I wasnt nearly as scared at being up high and dammit this is the most fun I have ever had. How can that be possible?
On the second wall we went to called "Meet the flintstones" I really was excited to get up it. I was problem solving on the ground, I knew I wanted this rock. He was a 5.9. On the way up, I was having a blast, grunting to fight the pain in my arms, hands, fingers, legs and toes. I loved this rock. I loved this spot of Barton creek. I loved this sport. We all knew I passed my limit already but it was me who kept pushing myself. I told Tommy on the ground that Im reaching my limits limit and I hope I can make it but I might not. I never give up on things in life, ever. Its not something I can do. I cant have unfinished business so this was a weird feeling to me, to actually accept that I will not succeed and actually still try it. I sat there before climbing and explained I want to try to but I do not think Ill be making it to the top. I was actually okay with saying "dude I wont be able to finish this but hey Im gonna what I can" I made it past the first anchor (this is a old route and that first ones pretty high, Tommy who does the maintence on the routes said they should be replaced and re-routed) but getting past that first one was a blast. Theres so many things I noticed, from the various colors of the layers, to the different textures of the surfaces, I could see and feel my holds before I got to them. I was becoming part of the rock. I wanted to at least make it to the second anchor because that would mean I got past the hard part for me. I got really close, and I probably could have touched it if I just reached a bit further. However all at once my whole body told me that I was done, completley washed of all energy and endurance, I was done. I wasnt upset, I didnt feel like a failure because I didnt get there, I felt satisfied of my journey and knew that me and "meet the flintstones" will come together another day.
Tommy and Evan did one more climb on the 5.12a (I think that is what she was) and it was a beautiful piece of rock at that. Even if I hadnt given up on the last route there would not have been a chance for me to climb this. Its just way out of my realm, but I watched, and I took pictures and I knew that one day that will be me. I started seeing Tommy and Evans moves and seeing them as art. They were creating art, melding their bodys to nature and it was a thing of beauty. Of all the pictures that day, this is my favorite. To me it captures a moment in my life, where I fought and won fears I knew I had and even some I didnt realize were a problem.
I dont know where this journey will take me, all I know is that in 6 hours yesterday my life changed. I saw things in myself that I never thought existed. As I lay to try to sleep last night, all I saw was my movements of the day, all I heard was the communication between me and my belayer, all I felt was pure satisfaction of who I am, what I am and what I can do. Although tomorrow I climb again, I know in my heart that no matter where I go with this hobby, that everything I did yesterday does define who I am. I am strong, mentally, physically, and emotionally and no one will ever take that away from me.
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